I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.......Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
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