Substance Atheletes

15> Get "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.

14> Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.

13> Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.

12> Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the Preakness.

11> Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle.

10> His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."

9> Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from arm.

8> Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.

7> Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.

6> Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.

5> Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.

4> According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.

3> Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."

2> Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."

and the Number 1 Sign An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance...

1> Forget Nike and Reebok -- he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.