On Garbage Disposals and Kittens
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no
matter how
legitimate my illness I always sense the boss thinks I'm lying.
On one occasion I had a valid reason but, lied anyway because
the truth was
way to humiliating to reveal.
I simply stated that I sustained a head injury and I hoped to
feel up to
coming in the following day. By then I could think up a real
doozy to
explain the large bandage on my head.
In this case the truth hurt. I mean it REALLY hurt in the
place men feel
the most pain. This unfortunate incident occured because I gave
in to my
girlfriend's wishes that we adopt a cute little kitty.
On that fateful morning, I had just climbed out of the shower
when Joanne
yelled out for me to fix the #@*&?? garbage disposal. I
yelled back just to
push the reset button, to which she replied "I can't -- I'm
scared, suppose
it sucks me in"? It was futile to protest further; so out I
came, dripping
wet and stark naked, hoping to make a statement about her
cowardice, but, it
was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button on the
bottom of the unit. Its the last action I remember performing. It
struck
without warning and without respect to my indelicate
circumstances.
No, it wasn't a cursed disposal drawing me into its clutches
-- it was our
cute new kitty, clawing delightedly at the dangling objects he
spied between
my legs. He ("Dudley" aka "the Grater") had
been poised around the corner
and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At the precise
second I
was most vulnerable, he lunged at the toys I unwittingly offered
and snagged
them with his needle like claws!!!
Not eveen a well trained monk could calmly stand with his
crotch supporting
the full weight of a snarling kitten. Wild animals and people are
sometimes
faced with a "flight or fight" syndrome; men, in this
predicament, choose
only the flight option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels
when it is
alarmed. It was a dismal irony but, whereas a cat seeks great
heights to
escape, I never made it that far. The sink cabinet bluntly
impeded my
ascent and the impact knoecked me cold.
When I awoke, my girlfriend and the paramedics stood over me
in awe. Having
been fully briefed by my girlfriend, the paramedics where
snorting and had
tears in their eyes as they tried to conduct their work while
suppressing
hysterical laughter. My girlfriend told me I should be flattered.
Back at work a few days later, colleagues tried to pry an
explanation from
me. I stayed silent claiming it was too painful to talk. To which
one
replied; "whats the matter, cat got your tongue"? If
they only knew.
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