DON'T STAND THERE, FLUSH IT!

If you call yourself an American, you need to know about a crucial issue
that is now confronting the US Congress (motto: "Remaining Firmly in Office
Since1978"). This is an issue that affects every American regardless of race
or gender or religion or briefs or boxers; this is an issue that is
fundamental to the whole entire Cherished American Way of Life.

This issue is toilets.

I'm talking about the toilets now being manufactured for home use. They
stink. Literally. You have to flush them two or three times to get the job
done. It has become very embarrassing to be a guest at a party in a newer
home, because if you need to use the toilet, you then have to lurk in the
bathroom for what seems (to you) like several Presidential administrations,
flushing, checking, waiting, flushing, checking, waiting, flushing, checking
while the other guests are whispering,

"What is (your name) DOING in there? The laundry?"

I know this because I live in a home with three new toilets and I estimate
that I spend 23 percent of my waking hours flushing them. This is going on
all over America and it's causing a serious loss in national productivity
that could really hurt us as we try to compete in the global economy against
such nations as Japan, where top commode scientists are developing
super-efficient, totally automated household models so high-tech that they
make the Space Shuttle look like a doorstop.

The weird thing is, the old American toilets flushed just fine. So why did
we change? Here's a hint: it's the same force that from time to time gets a
bee in it's gigantic bonnet and decides to spend millions of dollars on some
scheme to convert us all to metric or give us all swine flu shots or outlaw
tricycles or whatever. You guessed it! Our government!
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What happened was, in 1992, Congress passed the Energy Conservation Act,
which declared that, to save water, all US consumer toilets would hence-forth
use 1.6 gallons of water per flush. That is WAY less water than was used by
the older 3.5 gallon models that made this nation great; the toilets that our
Founding Fathers fought and died for which are now prohibited for new
installations. The public was not consulted about the toilet change, of
course; the public has to go to work, so it never gets consulted about
anything going on in Washington.

But it's the public that has been stuck with these new toilets, which are
saving water by requiring everybody to flush them enough times to drain Lake
Erie on an hourly basis. The new toilets are so bad that there is now - I am
not making this up- a black market in 3.5 gallon toilets. People are
sneaking them into new homes, despite the fact that the Energy Policy and
Conservation Act provides for - I am not making this up either - a $2,500
fine for procuring and installing an illegal toilet.

I checked this out with my local plumber, who told me that people are always
asking him for 3.5 gallon toilets but he refuses to provide them because of
the law. The irony is that I live in Miami; you can buy drugs here simply by
opening your front door and yelling:

"Hey! I need some crack!"

Here's another irony: the Federal Toilet Law is administered by the US
Department of Energy. According to a Washington Post article sent in by many
alert readers, the DEO recently had to close several men's rooms in the
Forrestal Building because -I am STILL not making this up- overpressurised
air in the plumbing lines was CAUSING URINALS TO EXPLODE. That's correct:

These people are operating the Urinals of Death and they are threatening to
fine us if we procure working toilets.

The public -and this is why I love this nation- is not taking this sitting
down. There has been a grass roots campaign, led by commode activists to
change the toilet law and a bill that (HR 859:The Plumbing Standards Act) has
been introduced in Congress by Representative Joe Knollenburg of Michigan.
The public response has been very positive but the bill has two strikes
against it:

#1 It makes sense.
#2 People want it.

These are huge liabilities in Washington. The toilet bill will probably
face lengthy hearings and organized opposition from paid lobbyists; for all
we know it will get linked to Whitewater and wind up being investigated by up
to four special prosecutors. So it may not be passed in your lifetime. But
I urge you to do what you can. Write to your congresshumans and tell them
that you'd like to see a constitutional amendment stating that if any federal
agency has so much spare time that it's regulating toilets, that agency will
immediately be eliminated.

So come on, America! This is your chance to make a difference! Stand up to
these morons! Join the movement!

Speaking of which, I have to go flush.

The Miami Herald, 1997 by Dave Barry

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