Subject:
Microsoft Solves Department of Justice Problems
REDMOND, Wash. -Oct. 21, 1997 --In direct response to
accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft
Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal
government
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's
actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for
everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office
of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured
members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will
be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.
An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and
the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4
1999
at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as
a vice president
with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States
government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it
felt to give up
the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and
referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that
Gates has a
"proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should
offer Gates
their "full support and confidence". Clinton will
reportedly be earning
several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S.
president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a
suggestion that
the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though
did say
that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government
from his
existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say
that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and
look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are
taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the
conference by
stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower
taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the
worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and
democratic
government. The company offers a wide range of products and
services
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the
mission of
making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage
of the
full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1776, the United States of America is the most
successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a
beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years.
Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a
wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
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