Notable Quotes
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put
down the video camera
and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,
I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and
we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and
before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was
getting C-Span and
the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought
a
congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently
three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my
suede jacket.'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied
in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to
kill you too.' "
--Jake Johansen
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years
without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews.
Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the
guy in back
of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers
right here.' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm
halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather,
who said, 'A
truck!'"
--Emo Phillips
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