(God Bless The Airlines!)

YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF..................

Your stall warning plays "Dixie".

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints. You
think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

You've ever used moonshine as Avgas. You have mudflaps on your wheel
pants. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer. You
wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.

You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank
service.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut,

You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You refer to formation flying as "we got us a convoy".

You're matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from the Piggly
Wiggly.

You have a black airplane with a big number 3 on the side. You've
ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.

You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.

You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling
together.
Your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from
your landing gear.

You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into
the CG calculations.

You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying
for years.

You've ground looped after hitting a cow.

You consider anything over 100"AGL to be high altitude flight.
There are parts of your airplane labeled John Deer.

You've never actually seen a sectional but have all of the Texaco
road maps for your flying area.

You answer all radio calls from females with, "That's a big 10-4
little darlin'".

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and
tobacco stains on the left.

You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats. You use
your parachute to cover your plane.

You've ever landed on the main street of town to get a cup of
coffee. You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

You've won the "Barb Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

Some of your favorite navigation aids have things like "seniors 96"
hand painted on them.

The tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match. Your
primary comm. radio has 40 channels.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

You put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.
Your flight instructor's day job is at the community sales barn.
You've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.

There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

There is a brown stains Styrofoam cup strategically placed in your
glove box.

The FAA still thinks you live at your parents house. You think Zulu
is an African time zone.

Your hanger collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.

Somewhere on your airplane is a "I'd rather be fishing" bumper
sticker. You navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively country stations.

When you go to the airport cafe they hand you biscuits and gravy
instead of a menu.

You think that an ultralight is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.
Just before the crash, everybody at the airport heard you say, "Hey,
y'all watch this!!".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle (May 25, 1997) wrote:

A commercial airliner, a Boeing 737, was supposed to land at Corpus
Christi International Airport one recent morning. By mistake, the plane
was landed on a bumpy World War II airfield 4 1/2 miles away. I won't
embarrass the airline by giving its name, but it rhymes with Bontinental.

No one was hurt, but I'm glad I was not on this particular flight.
I get peeved when an airline loses my luggage, so I can't imagine how
grumpy I'd get if they lost my airplane, while I was on it.

I think airlines should have a standing offer similar to the old
Domino's offer of "Your pizza delivered in 30 minutes, or it's free." Like,
"We get you within a mile of the airport, or your stereo headset fee
cheerfully refunded."

According to the AP story of the wrong-airport incident, "The
airline blamed pilot error." Thus ruling out passenger error.

I bet the pilot was surprised when he or she landed and instead of
the plane being greeted by a guy in a jumpsuit waving two flashlights, the
pilot was guided off the runway by a farmer with a Bic lighter.

It must have been very embarrassing for the pilot. You know how he
or she often comes out of the cockpit after landing and stands by the exit
door with the flight attendant, offering the traditional: "Bye-bye! Thanks!
Bye-bye!"

This time the pilot probably grinned sheepishly and told the
deplaning passengers: "Sor-ry! My bad! Won't happen again! Close,
but no cigar! Ay caramba!"

In the pilots' lounge now, I bet the other pilots see this guy
coming and start whistling, "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?"

I realize that a commercial airliner landing at the wrong airport
doesn't occur every day, or even every other day. But I'm a stickler for
landing at the airport I was promised, so every time I board a plane, I
lean into the cockpit, introduce myself to the pilot and navigator, and
hand them a pop quiz.

Here are some of the questions: --

On your flight map of Texas, Corpus Christi looks like:
a) CORPUS CHRISTI,
b) CORPUS CHRISTI,
c) An airport that is waaay too modern and crowded.

-- Yes or no: On the ground, when someone asks you for directions,
do you use terms such as "over yonder" and "a fur piece?"

-- Do you ever use the expression: "Map, schmap. I know where the
airport is"?

-- Study these two pictures carefully. If you can tell the
difference, circle the picture of a hole in the ground.

-- On your "fuel" gauge, the "E" stands for:
a) Enough, b) Eight hundred gallons left, c) East.

-- Have you ever landed on: a) The wrong runway? b) The correct
runway, but facing the wrong direction? c) A sliver of tuna that
dropped out of your sandwich and onto your map?

-- Do you sometimes see the Super Mario Brothers on your instrument
panel radar screen? If so, can you get Mario and Luigi into the
castle?

-- Do you have a hilarious nickname such as "Wild Bill," "Mr.
Magoo," "Dizzy" or "Wrong Airport?"

-- When your plane approaches an airport and the air traffic
controller asks over the radio, "What's your location?" do you reply,
"I'm way up here at the very front of the plane?"

Those don't seem like tough or unfair questions, do they? Yet you
would be amazed at how few pilots take the time to complete the test
and return it to me for grading before the plane takes off, and how
few even thank me for caring.

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