Puns

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the
end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he
was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in
at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book;
the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on
the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle
knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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