TO: ARKANSAS/TENNESSEE RESIDENTS

SUBJECT: RECOMENDED BEHAVIOR AT INAUGURATION IN WASHINGTON D.C. JANUARY 1993

FROM: ARKANSAS STATE DEPT. OF INTERIOR

1. BEFORE LEAVING FOR WASHINGTON, CLEAN RED MUD FROM WINDSHIELD AND REMOVE HOG AND CHICKEN FEED FROM PICK-UP BED.

2. ANY CARDBOARD BOX CAN BE MADE TO LOOK LIKE A SUIT CASE IF BROWN SHOE POLISH IS SMOOTHLY APPLIED. WHEN A FEW MILES OUT OF ARKANSAS OR TENNESSEE, REMOVE OVERALLS AND BROGANS AND PUT THEM IN YOUR BOX. CHANGE TO YOUR SUNDAY SUIT, CLEAN SHIRT AND GOOD SHOES (WEAR SOCKS!)

3. LIMIT OCCUPANCY OF YOUR CAR OR PICK-UP TO A RESONABLE NUMBER OF RIDERS. IT LOOKS COUNTRY TO OVERLOAD A VEHICLE.

4. THOSE GOING ON THEIR TRACTORS SHOULD LEAVE 3 WEEKS EARLY. REMEMBER TO DRIVE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD AT ALL TIMES, EXCEPT WHEN PASSING AN OLDER TRACTOR OR BUDDY ON A WAGON.

5. IN ROUTE, ALWAYS BUY A FULL TANK OF GAS. A DOLLAR'S WORTH AT A TIME REQUIRES TOO MANY GAS STOPS.

6. ON ARRIVAL IN WASHINGTON, IMMEDIATELY GET SETTLED IN A TOURIST OR BOARDING HOUSE. IF THEY DON'T FEED, TRY TO LOCATE AN 'ALL NITE CAFE'. LEAVE SODA CRACKERS, VIENNAS, RC COLAS AND MOON PIES IN THE CAR OR PICK-UP. FIRST CLASS TOURIST HOMES DO NOT TAKE KINDLY TO GUESTS WHO PREPARE FOOD IN THEIR SLEEPING ROOMS.

7. DO NOT TAKE LIVE CHICKENS OR HOGS! FOR SOME REASON, PEOPLE IN VIRGINIA TEND TO THINK THAT THEY HAVE GOOD HAMS. FOR THE SAKE OF NATIONAL UNITY, WE DON'T WANT TO SHOW THEM UP. BESIDES, THEIR DOGS WOULD CHASE OUR CHICKENS AND OUR HOGS WOULD EAT THEIR DOGS - MAKING A HELL OF A MESS.

8. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THE SEARS CATALOG OR CORN COBS WITH YOU. UP THERE, THE OUT-HOUSES ARE ALWAYS INSIDE AND THEY FURNISH A ROLLED PAPER SUBSTITUTE; BUT REMEMBER TO TURN THE KNOB ON THE WHITE BOWEL AS THIS IS A HOUSE RULE AND CREATES LESS AIR-POLLUTION PROBLEMS. BROTHER AL GORE GOT ALL HEATED ABOUT THIS POLLUTION AND WE DON'T WANT TO SET HIM OFF.

9. IF INVITED BY COUNTY AGENT, FERTILIZER MANUFACTURER'S REPRESENTATIVE OR HOG VACCINE MANUFACTURER'S SALESMAN TO HAVE A DRINK IN HIS HOTEL ROOM, DO NOT SPIT TOBACCO JUICE ON THE CARPETED FLOOR. WHEN ASKED WHAT YOU DRINK, DON'T SAY "STUMP JUICE." TELL THEM ALL CLASSY PEOPLE FROM ARKANSAS DRINK B & B (BOURBON AND BRANCH WATER).

10. AND ABOVE ALL ELSE - DON'T LET ANY YANKEE SHOW YOU UP. CONSTANT SCREAMING "HE'S A GOOD OLE' BOY" WILL MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR THEM TO ENGAGE YOU IN CONVERSATION ON THEIR INTELLIGENCE LEVEL. YOU CAN ALSO KEEP UP THE CHANT, "ITS TIME FOR A CHANGE". AS YOU KNOW, WE PLAN A CHANGE OF UNDERWEAR ON THE FIRST OF EVERY MONTH, BUT FOR THE INAUGURATION WE NEED TO TAKE THE SLOGAN SERIOUSLY AND CHANGE

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