New Microsoft Product
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and
upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough,
Microsoft God, and would be available to consumers some time in late
1998.
Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave
McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft
God
will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user
interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to
communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude
of
add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from
competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God
with
Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from
the
World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces
several
new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer
Pages
(APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product
will
allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A
Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the
prayer
to
Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new
types
of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their
sins
to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will
erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure
communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary
products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the
functionality
of
the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user
interface.
These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing
worshippers to interact with the new God
product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is
expected
to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft
Judaism
(incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to
release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to
render
Microsoft God installations inoperable.
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