The Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and
I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt
like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow - lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back
in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go
out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 Deg. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What
is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by
his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles
an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight
the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #@&*$*?!! slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for
a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to
watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going
to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 deg and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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