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7 Jokes - One
Weeks Worth
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started
talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the
whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared
at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to
write."
Summary of the week's news
reporting of the Zippergate scandal:
In the aftermath of the initial administration responses to the breaking story, it seems
apparent that Mr. Clinton has left a bad taste in Lewinsky's mouth.
A growing majority are finding the president's story hard to swallow, noting that it
appears quite evident that Monica was influenced by some sort of presidential "gag
order."
The First Lady, the recognized steward of the president's power base, is reported to be
afraid that Lewinsky has blown everything.
Vernon Jordan is reported to have suggested that Ms Lewinsky approach the president with a
stiff upper lip for the time being, and is quite upset at how much damage her wagging
tongue seems to have done.
Meanwhile, the White House staff is engaged in a furious search for Richard Nixon's tape
erasing machine, last been on loan to the offices of the Rose law firm in Little Rock. In
an effort of goodwill, however, the administration has extended an invitation to Ms
Lewinsky for an exclusive guided tour of the capital city's national parks one night next
week.
Ms Lewinsky's attorney has chided the mainstream media for taking out of context a comment
by her close friends that she once said she wanted to head the Oval Office someday.
Defending his client as a victim, he said that "...this oral sex thing really has her
choked up, you know." Mr. Starr, the independent prosecutor investigating the case,
remains unmoved, and has made it clear that to avoid criminal liability herself, Ms
Lewinsky will be required to give a complete blow-by-blow description of their
relationship with Mr. Clinton. Chelsea Clinton, when asked for her opinion of the woman
that stands to dethrone her father, simply replied "she sucks!" In a
related story, a truck bomb scare in the front driveway of the White House resulted in the
evacuation of the building until Secret Service agents ascertained that the Ryder van
parked in the drive was just Tipper Gore waiting out front with her furniture.
A woman is in bed with her
lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's
house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing
her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery
voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so
happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Three stupid guys just died and are at
the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can
answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What
is Easter?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets
together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter,
and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice
tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
third man and asks, "What is Easter?"
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and
he was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans
took him to be crucified, he was stabbed in
the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a
nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks of
winter.
A man was found murdered in his home over
the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been
filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she
was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and
that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!...
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month
pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the
phone and called the white house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary
and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away.
Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary said, 'Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!'
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME
PREGNANT!'
Bill finally answered, 'Who is this?'
A young woman who was several months
pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again, and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a
manner. His reply was:
" When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that read 'Sloans Liniments
remove swelling'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which
read 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any
longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber
would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed.
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