HORRORSCOPE

ARIES Hide your prozac! If you don't, a well meaning friend or relative may stumble across it and, thinking it is amphetamines, flush them down the toilet. An you think you're depressed NOW?

TAURUS Face it, the only thing you're capable of making for dinner are reservations. Your gambling habit is still out of hand, but you have a solution. Go into politics, go to congress, and then you can gamble with the taxpayers money instead of yours.

GEMINI The economy still has not picked up enough that your business is out of the woods. When you order the businessman's lunch they make you pay in advance. But don't suggest layoffs of non-essential personnel. You'll be the first to go.

CANCER A co-worker will send you a gift certificate for one visit with Jack Devorkian. Don't bother to use it unless a plane ticket to Michigan is included. When you're arrested and in a police lineup, resist the urge to point to the victim and shout "That's him, I'd know him anywhere."

LEO Your car will be wrecked in an accident from which ;you will, luckily, walk away with only minor injuries. When looking for a new car, get one with the smallest steering wheel possible. It will make driving with handcuffs so much easier.

VIRGO You're awful tired of those Jehovah's Witness's coming around. There is a way to stop them: Convert! While you're at it, don't mention to your friends your idea to become a teakettle. They might have you committed.

LIBRA You may only be as old as you feel, but you feel like you're falling apart. Worse, you will have an extraordinary dream that you will want to tell you psychiatrist. But if you do, he'll think you're crazy.

SCORPIO Your roof needs fixing. But hire a professional. If you do it yourself, you will fall off, ending up a torn, bloody mess. Worse, the first thing your son will say when he sees you is to ask what you have brought him.

SAGITTARIUS It certainly won't be luck when you go to the park and bring home four leaf poison ivy. While recuperating in the hospital, watch out. You might get paper cuts from the get well cards.

CAPRICORN You're going to have to break that habit of saying, "I'm game." Otherwise the hunter who lives down the block may misunderstand and shoot you. On the plus side, you will be forgotten just the way you are.

AQUARIUS You haven't been acting yourself lately. And your friends have noticed the improvement. But your tan will not improve by snorting shoe polish.

PISCES You're getting married this month. But make the ceremony early. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't waste the whole day.

top