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One Liners From the Best
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in
otherwise.
-- Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just
taken place.
-- Johnny Carson
It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
-- George Lindsey
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the
country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your
headache.
-- Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure
no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-- John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes
him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing
that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a
beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of
her.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow
was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
-- Jake Johansen
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I
realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
-- Lynda Montgomery
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