Excerpt from the Household Pets Bible (courtesy of Em Brunson)

Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the mousies in the utility room, and of the fishes of the tuna can, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the feathered bird caught beneath the bush, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoppy toad, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in coffee cups, you may drink, but not water out of the toilet stool.

Indeed, if the lavatory faucet is dripping you may drink, and of the puddles of water left in the bathtub after the shower, but not water out of the toilet stool - that is an abomination.

Laws When at Table:
And if you are seated in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your paws below table level as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your paws upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, your paws upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Stroll not across the table, whether when set for dinner nor cleared off, that is trespass to me, yea to the whole household. Neither stroll nor streak nor recline on the table for it will bring swift rebuke. Use not the table for a shortcut to the dry sink -the place that you have claimed for your own and habitate daily. Chew not the begonia, swat not its leaves nor dig in its dirt. Neither the philodendron at the window nor the dried grasses on the high shelf - that is an abomination.

On Yowling:
Do not yowl for it is as if you yowl all the time. If you are reclining on the rug before the sink while cooks are preparing the feast and one inadvertently treads your tail and your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while you grab and bite the offending foot, I say to you, yowl not, only remonstrate gently with the cook, that the cook may in the future detour around you.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither broadcast the kitty litter throughout the abode; nor leave the defiled lump where it may be seen or smelt; nor sharpen claws against any furniture or human leg, nor use them to climb louvers as though they were ladders. Swing not from the curtain, leap not to the top shelf, play not with the toy cars.

Leave the computer alone, for what has the computer done, that you should so afflict it? And lay not on the monitor while in use, neither shall you recline on the keyboard, sending strange commands that light lights and set off odd beeps. Indeed, you will drive me to madness.  Dwell in peace with the inhabitants of the land and you shall be blessed.

top