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The Shiftkey FAQ - Version 0.001
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean
the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs
to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look
up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature,
however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In,
which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the
time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program
for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and
punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your
deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a
consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation
marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with
"huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If
so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your
keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse
the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent
and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with
a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to
clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my
keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more
frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with
an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful
you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n
stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any
other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key
merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with
speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly
into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note
that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to
recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track
of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be
equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two
columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind
up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger
when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to
other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it
in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys
all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many
times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal
emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned
it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be
your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the
operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of
righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly
ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in
dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.
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