After the Christmas Party

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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The teacher asked her class to use the word choo-choo in a sentence.
First she called on Alice who said "The choo-choo pulled the train up
the hill and down the hill."

"Good," the teacher replied. Next she turned to Leroy and said, "Please
use choo-choo in a sentence."

"The choo-choo be chugging real fast."

"All right," said the teacher. Then she asked, "Armondo, can you use the
word choo-choo in a sentence?"

Armondo says, "You toucha my car an I'll choo-choo."
>
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
suffering from severe, longterm stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system.
He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you
don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die".

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a
good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
"So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.
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