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IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs
counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that
the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the
tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did -- backwards. A substantial amount
of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western
movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband
shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather
than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in
the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary
van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must
be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff
opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five
of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with
delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red
light' five hundred times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in
recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five
robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well, put," the
judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The
defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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