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LOOKING
AT THE WANT ADS?
For those of us who may need to decipher job announcements in the near future....
EMPLOYMENT JARGON
Defined here for your convenience:
1. COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
2. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you.
3. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
Well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
4. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
5. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
6. DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
7. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
8. CAREER-MINDED
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
9. APPLY IN PERSON
If you're old, fat or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
10. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
11. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need to replace three people who just left.
12. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
13. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
14. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want
and do it.
15. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION
I've used Microsoft Office.
16. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE
I pilfer office supplies.
17. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDED
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
18. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK
I blame others for my mistakes.
19. I'M PERSONABLE
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
20. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL
I carry a Day-Timer.
21. I AM ADAPTABLE
I've changed jobs a lot.
22. I AM ON THE GO
I'm never at my desk.
23. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there!
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