MEN:

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)

2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.

3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.

5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.

7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.

9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."

11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.

WOMEN:
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's  gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)