These Are True ??

These are True??

A New Jersey man made international headlines this week when the tip of his male member was sliced off by a vacuum cleaner. The mercifully unidentified 51-year-old first told police that "someone" had stabbed him in the groin while sleeping. He later admitted to police that he had been "hoping to obtain pleasure" from the machine's powerful suction. Apparently, he got too close to the dust-collection blade. The man told detectives that he didn't remember the incident... now you know what all those attachments are for...

A plantation worker in Malaysia has been sentenced to death for killing his wife and eating her brain. Bandang Langu told police that he first ate only a little of her brain, but then finished most of it because it "tasted nice..."

The Pentagon's new 15 billion-dollar anti-missile defense system failed its fifth straight test last week when the latest THADD launch spiraled out of control. Military officials have no intention of rethinking the program, however, and Senator Trent Lott agrees. "The American people," said Lott, "are entitled to some sort of defense against incoming missiles..." of course, they could just surround the entire country with a wall of dollar bills...

A Fairfield, California man has now admitted to police that he acted alone the night his penis was cut off with a hobby knife. Alan Hall initially reported that a woman named "Brenda" was responsible... I think a new hobby is in order...

A school bus driver in Martinez, California is in trouble for stopping his busload of unruly elementary students, pulling out a knife, and threatening to "cut their ears off..."

And a female school bus driver in Griswold, Connecticut faces legal charges for allegedly having sex with a 14-year-old student, and "buying beer and cigarettes for other passengers..." I just don't remember school being this much fun...

A 12-year-old girl in Mount Airy, Maryland has been labeled a drug trafficker by school officials after she shared her prescription inhaler with a classmate who was having a severe asthma attack... I DO remember school being this stupid...

A medical marijuana club in San Francisco scored an unexpected legal victory when a judge refused the state attorney general's demand to close it down... they celebrated by eating 24 bags of potato chips, a case of Ring-Dings and drinking all the soda in the fridge...

Our Product of the Week Award goes to Mayer Laboratories, which has just released its new "baggy" condom. The new design is described as odd-looking, larger than traditional sheaths, bordered by a skirt fringe, and "can be put on both ways..." I like the fringe on the inside...

Police are investigating camp counselors in Stockton, California after parents of fifth graders complained that their children returned home from science camp covered with bruises... Mommy, I don't like it here...

Here's a tip: if you're driving at night with a body in the car, turn on your headlights. Police in Miami have charged Jean Lubin with strangling his wife after they discovered her corpse in the car with him on a routine traffic stop... technically, officer, she's my ex-wife...

Casey Dschaak of Washington State was arrested and charged with felony theft. Prosecutors say he stole an ankle-bracelet transmitter designed for criminal home detention... hey, I can really use one of these...

Two men in Milan, Italy were hospitalized this week after dueling with machine guns. Police say Mario Albao and Loris Grancini were quarreling over the affections of a young woman when the discussion "degenerated." Both survived... ready, fire, aim...

Not to be outdone, two friends in West Virginia decided to play a game of chicken with a train. David Flannery and an unnamed buddy were competing to see who could stand on the tracks longest in front of the oncoming CSX freight train. Flannery won-- then flew 70 feet in the air from the impact... why do I get the feeling that a case of beer was also involved?

A five-year-old boy in Memphis, Tennessee was arrested this week after his kindergarten teacher disarmed him of a loaded .25 caliber semiautomatic pistol. The boy told classmates he planned to kill his teacher in retaliation for a "timeout..."

The FAA is warning air carriers this week to be on the lookout for "key-chain" guns. The tiny, Bulgarian-made weapons look like key-chain but fire full-size .32 caliber bullets up to 60 feet with deadly accuracy..." good, now these kindergartners won't have to lug those heavy semiautomatics to school...

A Kenyan couple required police and medical assistance to get untangled after "becoming stuck" while making love. The Kenya Times reported that police had to fire tear gas to disperse a crowd of hundreds of curious onlookers. The lovers were airlifted to Nairobi to be separated... I TOLD you I was tense...

A restaurant in Ocala, Florida was robbed last month by a man wearing only a pair of boxer shorts-- on his head... I can't wait for the lineup...

Dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster announced last week that it would revise certain words in its new edition. Entries for more than 200 racial slurs and sexually offensive words will have special italic indicators...good, now I can find them more quickly...

Our feel-good story of the week: a former IRS officer in San Francisco, California has been sentenced to jail for tax evasion... I love this story. I really, really love this story...

Police in Kankakee, Illinois held a special "Guns-for Beanie Babies" promotion, and collected firearms from 40 citizens eager to swap their weapons for a cuddly collectible...

Michael Martin was arrested and charged after opening fire at his wife Bonnie during a marriage counseling session at St. James Episcopal Cathedral in Fresno, California. Mr. Martin reportedly had "a gun in one hand and a beer in the other" when he shot at Mrs. Martin. She then "pulled a pistol from her purse and returned fire," according to reports... I say lock 'em in a room, give 'em a couple of beanie babies, and see what happens...

Armed robbers in Vicenza, Italy stole $1.4 million worth of gold from the Banca di Roma in April. The bank is located just 50 yards from the police station. According to the AGI news agency, "Nobody at the police station was available for comment..." or anything else, for that matter...

Three city workers in Cartago, Colombia, who were disturbed when a privatization plan threatened to eliminate 300 jobs, staged a protest-- they had themselves crucified. The men were "fixed to cross-like planks with five-inch nails driven through their hands." After 50 hours, city authorities gave in to the workers' demands... THIS will look good on the resume...

An eighth-grade student at Eagle Park Middle School in California was suspended for bringing plastic bags filled with homemade napalm to class. Principal John Larson said the boy got the recipe on the Internet... he found it at iamanidiot.com...

The latest rage in personal care in New York City is a "stone massage." For $130, says the owner of the Stone Spa, you can get an 80-minute massage with warm oil and rocks... I'll hit you with a stick for only a hundred...