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The Five Toughest
Questions Women Ask Men
For those of you who sometimes need help, here
are answers for five of the toughest questions women ask men. You
can thank me later.
The Questions:
"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she's prettier than
me?"
"What would you do If I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every
one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce
if the man does not answer properly, which is to say,
dishonestly.
For Example:
"What are you thinking?" The proper
answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you
are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance
whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which
was most likely one of five things: a. Baseball b. Football c.
How fat you are d. How much prettier she is than you e. How he
would spend the insurance money if she died The best answer to
this stupid question is, "If I wanted you to know, I'd be
talking instead of thinking." However, this one could get
you hurt. The other questions also have only one right answer but
many wrong answers:
"Do you love me?" The correct
answer to this question is, "Yes." For those
guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may
answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said
yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by
"love".
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
"Do I look fat?" The correct male
response to this question is to confidently and emphatically
state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the
room.
Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I
wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good
on you.
d. I've seen fatter
e. Could you repeat the question? I
was thinking about your insurance policy.
"Do you think she's prettier than
me?" The "she" in the question could be an
ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you we staring at so hard that
you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a
movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is,
"No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different
way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating
such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better
personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and
thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was
thinking about your insurance policy.
"What would you do If I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the
front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my
way."
This might be the stupidest question of the
lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:
"Dear," said the wife. "What
would you do If I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely
upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a
question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the
wife.
"No, of course not, dear." said the
husband.
"Don't you like being married?"
said the wife. "Of course I do, dear." he
replied."Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband,
"I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking
vaguely hurt. "Yes." said the husband. "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause, "Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied
the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to." said the husband.
"Really!" exclaimed the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you let her play with my
golf clubs too!"
"Of course not, dear," said the
husband. "She's left-handed..."
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