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Father's Day Humor Quirky things about movies...INJURIES When the hero is knocked out, he won't get a concussion or brain damage. When a hero gets a bloody nose, he'll stop bleeding almost immediately. When a hero suffers through car chases and crashes, he never has to worry about unfelt spinal injury from impact. A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause total amnesia Characters that get shot will never go into shock. The hero will always get shot in the shoulder, yet will be able to use his arm. A facial scars is likely to make you go insane and seek revenge for the rest of your life. If you lose a hand, it causes the stump of your arm to grow by six inches. A lost hand either comes crawling back, or a mad surgeon will replace it with one transplanted from an executed strangler. If a person gets shot they have plenty of time to tell all kinds of things except the most important information (like the name of the murderer). A person shot to death will immediately do just that - die. Their bodies do not flop and jerk around for a few minutes as the muscles contract involuntarily and sporadically as the brain dies a slow Electro-chemical death (as with real gun-shot deaths). Quirky things about movies...WOMEN Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies. Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them. (see also CHASES) Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clunk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clunk, she always hits hero instead. Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together, rolling over twice. High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them. A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero--until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will explain his belligerent attitude. Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact. Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently. If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends. Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the villain is close enough to hear. Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over, OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there's cover close by). Strong (character/will) women are always macho, or bitchy. Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified. Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/expert this or that. Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to help/force
her/knock her out. Quirky things about movies...VILLAINS The bad guy is the foreigner. Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decommission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.) No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you've killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl. When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off. The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run out of loyal henchmen. Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning. You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarily length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase. Whenever a villain has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses. The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few megalomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt. The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise
some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time
to allow the good guy to figure out his escape. |
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