These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
6. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
7. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
8. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
9. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
10. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
11. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
12. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
13. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.