In retrospect, lighting a match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil.. Eric Tomaszewki told bemused doctors in the severe burn unit of the Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in" he explained.

As usual, Kiki shouted out ARMAGEDDON, my clue he has had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out. So I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine propelling the rodent like a cannonball.

" Tomaszweski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

10). I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum…. OUCH!!!! There isn’t enough astroglide in the world to make this an enjoyable experience.

9). So I peered into the tube…. Aahh, I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8). That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of a guys asshole like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7). Suffering from a broken nose from a gerbil being launched from someone’s ass… I’m guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh, after his little journey into Kiki’s "tunnel of love."

6). People walking around with these pockets of gas in their bodies…

5). People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry but I would have made up

a story about a roving gang of pyromaniac anal-sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth… Call me old fashion, but I just can’t imagine looking at this doctor and saying " Well Doc, it’s like this… we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube and …"

4). First and second degree burns to the anus … Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning asshole must be in the top five most horrible scents on God’s green earth.

3). People named Kiki which is obviously a Polynesian word for IDIOT white man who stuffs rodents up his ass.

2). What kind of hospital holds a press conference on this ???

1). This happened in Salt Lake City, what kind of people are those Mormons ???