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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week. The lady says "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!" //////////////////////////////// A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." ///////////////////////////////////////////// A man in a bar is drunk. The bartender tells him "OK, you've had enough, I am not going to serve you anymore, now just go home, get out of here." The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. The bartender tells him again "Hey, I said I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, get out of here, you've had enough." Again, the drunk leaves. Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says "Hey, I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home, get out of here." The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks "How many places do you work at?" /////////////////////////////////////////// Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating Is Better Than Sex 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!! /////////////////////////////////// I'D CRY TOO!!!!!!!! A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man when a young man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she Comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." ///////////////////////////////// HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
1) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. 3) Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 4) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names."That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." 5) Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 6) "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. 7) Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com 8) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 9) Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her/him to settle the disagreement. 10) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 11) Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 12) Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." 13) Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc...in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." 14)Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 15) Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper,99 copies. 16) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 17) If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 18) When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions 19) Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 20) Practice making fax and modem noises. 21) Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. 22) Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 23) Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 24) Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. 25) Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 26) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 27) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 28) Staple papers in the middle of the page. 29) Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. 30) TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..type only in lowercase. 31) Don't use any punctuation either 32) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that? What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 33) As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 34) When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 35) Ask people what gender they are. 36) While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 37) Sit in your car in the parking lot at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 38) Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles" 39) Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. 40) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." ////////////////////////////////////////// Did you hear the latest about making people happy.
It seems that the first family and Al Gore were on Air Force One. President Clinton said "You know, I could make one person very happy if I were to throw a $10,000 bill out of this plane." I think that person would feel so lucky, it would probably change their life."
Vice President Gore says "I could do the same thing, but I would throw out 10 $1000 bills. That way I could get 10 times the amount of happiness with the same money."
Hillary says "I would do the same thing, but I would use 100 $100 bills. That way I could make a whole lot more people happy and spread the wealth around to a lot more needy people"
Chelsea finally gets tired of all of this and says "Well I could throw all three of you out of the plane and make a whole country happy" //////////////////////////////// Golfing accident > >A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. >Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself >to >the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, >and >my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." > >The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and >keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." > >So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided >bandage, >and wired it all together -- an impressive work of art. The guy mentions >none of this to his girl. > >They get married, and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she >rips >open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first >time he saw them, believe it or not. She says, "You'll be the first. No >one >has ever touched these breasts yet!" > >He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this -- it's still in the >CRATE!" > > > > >On an old grave stone >*********************************************************** >"Pause, stranger, when you pass me by, >As you are now, so once was I. >As I am now, so will you be; >So prepare for death and follow me. > >A tourist put this at the bottom of the inscription, > >"To follow you I am not content >Until I know which way you went." > > >GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE >THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED >************************************************************ 1.******** No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. >******** > >2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. > >3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always >catch the second person. > >4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato. > >5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. > >6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. > >7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. > >8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. > >9. School lunches stick to the wall. > >10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. > >11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. > > >GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED >************************************************************ >1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. > 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time > to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking > how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. > 3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone > in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. > 4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a > pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. > 5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. > 6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not > the toy. > 7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. > 8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. > 9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing > worse can happen to you the rest of the day. > 10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your >shoes > and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. /////////////////////////////////////// You know it's time to join E-Mail Anonymous when... 1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom. 3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 7. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. 13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape. 14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend. (Hmmmmmmmmm)
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