Diagnosis

The father was an M.D., and when the son, too, was graduated from medical college, the father took the lad on his rounds to teach him the fine art of diagnosis.

In the first sickroom they visited, the father said to the patient, "You're eating too much candy, Mrs. Sykes. You'll cut it out." "How right you are, Doctor," she said. "And no more for me."

When the two M.D.'s reach the street, the son, in unfeigned admiration, said, "That was an accurate diagnosis, dad, how did you do it?"

"Observation, son. Notice the empty candy box in the wastebasket and the candy wrappings on the table. Simple, eh?

Now, on the next case, you take over." In the next house the son approached the bed, looked the lady over, and said, "Mrs. Dehydrant, you'll save a lot of wear and tear, as well as needless worry, if you'll get yourself an electric refrigerator." "How right you are, Doc," she said.

When they again reached the street, the father, now in admiration, said, "Say, that was swell, son. How did you arrive at that diagnosis?"

The son chuckled. "From under the bed I saw the iceman's feet sticking out."

From For Doctors Only by Dr. Francis Leo Goldern, published 1949 by Frederick Fell, NY, NY.

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Nancy and the Moon

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Nancy - Age 6

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Toothbrushes

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

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Things a True Southerner Knows:

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

The difference between Yankee's and damn Yankee's.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means. Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don't come from the store.

The War of Northern Aggression was over state rights, not slavery.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "pot likker".

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".

The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

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Speaker

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience.

Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."