Horoscopes, Training, Golf, Police, Can 

QUICKIE: 

"If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed...  Oh, Wait!! He Does!" 

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SOUTHERN HOROSCOPES 

Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes,  and it has become obvious that our present astrological signs have served  their purpose and that we should get rid of them. 

When out and about, one can  see bulls, and once in a great while, even a ram. Up the street, there may be some twins. The rest of these things are  just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The  town's not crawling with them either. 

What we need are SOUTHERN things. 

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can  look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay  away from Moon Pies. 

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A  chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. 

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore  deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense  and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is  going to marry you, so don't worry about it. 

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time  on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of  Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who  you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. 

POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties,  possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a  don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think  you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems  to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your  problems actually running you over. 

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer  the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but  you have very, very good heads. 

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication.  They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with  the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes,  if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. 

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers - may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy  bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. 

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.  You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club.  Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter  or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that  serves you well. 

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help  your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and  loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their  criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than  you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because  in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be  sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. 

BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because  Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be  proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. 

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough  exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends,  a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're  not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really! almost prehistoric in your  interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility. 

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Training 

A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following hypothetical question: 

"If your beat was a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young  girl rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed  her, and hugged and kissed her, what would you do?" 

The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I would  endeavor to reconstruct the crime." 

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Golf 

An article by Jonathon Kronstadt is titled, "If that's a Sport, I'm  Ernest Hemingway." Too long to quote in its entirety, the article gives a  number of reasons why golf is not a sport, and I paraphrase some of his points: 

There's no goalie. Without a goalie, and except for Tiger, a well  groomed non-sweating white guy hits the ball with a flat edge of a long stick,  and the ball rolls slowly toward a hole and then either falls in, or  doesn't. 

Wow, tense! Golfers never run. Even bowlers speed up a bit, carry something  reasonably heavy and even throw it. Golfers hire guys to carry everything. Golf is played in regular clothing. No pads, no eye black, no cup. The  only uniform items are shoes with little spikes, which apparently are meant  to create the illusion that one could actually fall over due to the force  of their swing. And the ability to knock oneself down hardly qualifies as athleticism anyway. It's too easy. 

Ted Williams is probably right when he says hitting a 95  mph baseball is the hardest feat in sports. Golf? It's T-ball for adults.  The ball just lays there, how could it be any easier to hit it? The fans have to be quiet. Sure golf requires concentration, and so does chess. In a sport the fans don't move and the players run. 

In golf the players NEVER run, the only people who ever have to run are the fans. You're not allowed to play defense. Neither man-to-man or zone (see  above). You can't block a shot and you can't even hand check-golfers don't even  have to play at the same time. 

There's a Golf Channel. Food, history, animals, music, cartoons, comedy, weather, shopping and even game shows have their own cable networks. 

No  real sport has its own network-but there is a Golf Channel. 

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Police Quotes 

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after  you wear them awhile." 

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can  write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" 

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it  will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" 

"Warning! You want a warning? Ok, I'm warning you not to do that again  or I'll give you another ticket." "

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk  or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" 

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster  oven." 

"Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid." 

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." 

"Just how big were those two beers? 

"In God we trust, all others are suspects." 

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Can 

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are  placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. 

A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one. 

In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat  the can to its failure point. 

In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry,  he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!" 

In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

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