Life

Life, Finals, Police, Clothes, Soda

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

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"Battle Hymn of Term Finals"

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold I have never done assignments
Although many times been told I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.

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Police

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

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Clothes

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.

My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you.

Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when as other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

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"The Boy & The Soda Machine"

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.

She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money.