Subject: One  Liners

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol level.

2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like  having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. I live in my own little  world, but it's OK, they know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a  sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. When you stop  believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

6. I  don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up  really fast."

7. Sign on Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery  easier to live with.

9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,  chances are you won't either.

10. I have learned there is little difference  in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

11. There are two sides  to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

12. Travel is very  educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

13.  Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys

14. After  all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

15. If I'm a nobody,  and nobody is perfect, then I am perfect

16. I married my wife for her  looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

17. Everyday I beat  my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed  alive.

18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one  busted condom?

19. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their  team is winning.

20. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a  sign:  "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

21. How come we choose from just two  people for president and 50 for Miss America?

22. Ever notice that people  who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always  complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

23. How long a minute  is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

24. Middle age  is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

25. Why is it  that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

26. I mixed  Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair like Don King.

27. I earn a  seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

28.  Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

29. Every time I walk into a singles  bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

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