Ten most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and  some matching replies. 

1. At the movies when you meet acquaintances/friends... 
Q: Hey, what are you doing here? 
A: Well,it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought I'd watch  some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre. 

2. In the bus, a fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on  your feet... 
Q: Sorry, did that hurt? 
A: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia. Why don't you try again or should I try this time? 

3. At a funeral, one of the teary-eyed people ask... 
Q: Why, why him, of all people? 
A: Why? Would it rather have been you? 

4. At a restaurant when you ask the waiter... 
Q: Is the 'blah blah blah' dish good? 
A: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit into it. 

5. At a family get-together when some distant aunt meets you after  years... Q: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.... 
A: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself. 

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask... 
Q: Is the guy you're marrying good? 
A: No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive clout... it's just the money. 

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... 
Q: Sorry. were you sleeping. 
A: No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you  called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you  think? 

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair... 
Q: Hey have you had a haircut? 
A: No, its autumn and I'm shedding. 

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... 
Q: Tell me if it hurts. 
A: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite. 

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... 
Q: Oh, so you smoke! 
A: No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!! 

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Reporter Linda had gotten a new job as a reporter at her local newspaper and she was brought in to meet the crusty old editor on her first day on the  job. "Names, names," the old editor insisted to the new reporter. "No story  is complete without the names of everyone involved." 

Linda assured him she would make him proud of her reporting abilities,  and her first assignment was to write an article on a local disaster. She came back a few hours later and filed this report: 

Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms that struck Thursday night. Mr. and Mrs. Horace Greene reported a fire in their barn. Michael Arlington said several trees were knocked down by  the violence of the storm. And Fred Morse reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Bessie, Elsie and Bertha. 

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"Signs Your Pool Needs Cleaning" 

That green tarp covering your pool? 

Look again, Sparky. Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline. 

That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey. 

pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible. 

Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first. 

Skipping rocks across it causes sparks. 

New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your  backyard. 

Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels. 

Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing. 

The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo. 

"DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom. 

You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus. 

Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside. 

Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray. 

You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie. 

The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a  run for his money.

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Movies For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural  town to the city to attend a movie. 

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession  stand to purchase some popcorn. 

Handing the attendant his money, he couldn't help but  comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." 

"Well, Sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now." 

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A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be  married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. 

For the life of him, he couldn't think  of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please  come to the front?" he requested. 

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six  single men stepped to the front. 

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