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UNDER OATH

>From the Alameda County DA's office: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No

Atty: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No

Atty: Did you check for breathing?

Cor: No

Atty: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Cor: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Who Says Computing Isn't Any Fun?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. .Every morning is the dawn of a new error... A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Dain bramaged. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN -------- The information went data way -------- Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud......, James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. E Pluribus Modem . File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) definition of Ethernet: Something used to catch the Etherbunny Headline reads 'World Wide Web broken: Spiderman at large' A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press <CTRL-<ALT- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Read my chips: No new upgrades! Hit any user to continue. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Only reality could be this funny... Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder.

A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!

Thank you, Bob Dahl