Subject: A Man and a Parrot
-------------------------
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in
next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot
squawks "And get me a whiskey you cow!" The stewardess,
flustered, brings
back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its
glass and
bawls "and get me another whiskey you bitch." Quite
upset, the stewardess
comes back with another wiskey but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
approach. "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your
ass."
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of
the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the
parrot
traumas to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a
lippy bastard!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: the Bump
------------------------
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidently bumps into a woman
beside him
and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
room #436."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Revival Services
-------------------------
During a recent revival service, the evangelist who is named
Harry Buts,
walked toward the back of the church to invite two woman to the
front and
pray. As they proceeded down the aisle the pastor who was leading
the
prayer service, prayed the following prayer....
Dear Lord, bless the two women coming down the aisle with
harry butts....!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: the Baby
-----------------------
There was a young girl who had one huge goal in life. Her goal
was to
have a baby. She got this guy to go to the movies with her and
after the
movies they hopped in the back seat. As soon as he got ready, she
asked
"What are we gonna name the baby?" He told her he
didn't want a baby and
that she was crazy. With that he got out of the car and left.
The next weekend the same thing happened. Well on the third
weekend she
finally got someone that was really horny. As he got really to
screw her
she asked the question. "What are we gonna name the
baby?" He ignored her
and went about his business. About halfway through she asked him
again
only to get ignored even more.
When they finally finished she asked him again. He replied while
taking
off his condom and tying it in a knot, "we'll call him
Houdini if he can
get out of this."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: the Wedding Night
--------------------------------------------------------
A young lady thought she had married the ole man for his money,
but when
she came out of the bathroom on their wedding night, her husband
was
stuffing cotton in his ears and up his nose. "Honey, what
are you doing?"
she asked.
The ole man leered at her for a few seconds and said: "you
know two
things I can't stand. The sound of a woman screaming, and the
smell of
burning rubber!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: A few Ways to ANNOY
-------------------------------------------
1} Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2} In the memo field of all your checks, write "For
Sensual Massage."
3} Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."
4} Learn Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in
public
consisting entirely of "Beep Bib Bib Beep Bib....."
5} If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your
pen while
talking to others.
6} Speak only in a "Robot" voice.
7} Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and
announce
that this is so no one will "Swipe your grub."
8} Sniffle incessantly.
9} Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
10} Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in
all weather
conditions "To keep them tuned up."
11} Reply to everything someone says with "That's what
you think."
12} Declare your apartment and independent nation, and sue
your neighbors
upstairs for "Violating your airspace."
13} Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with
a can of Lysol.
14} Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see
if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
15} Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands
over your ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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