Your Horoscope

ARIES (March 21 to April 19): Your dreams of being an airline pilot
will come true this year -- not. You are vain, egotistic, overconfident
and overbearing. You would be a natural fighter pilot if you were not
so old. You hate student pilots, nosewheels, fly-by-wire, ultralights
and control towers. You should get a life.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): You are conflicted, schizophrenic and
confused, possibly due to the fact that you think you are a bull and
most people see you as a low-price Ford sedan. People are jealous of
you because your airplane is paid off, until they find out it's a C-150.
Family members are planning revenge.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21): Expect a memorable year. You will meet
a whole host of new people, most of them with initials alter their
names (such as IRS, FAA, etc.). Don't worry, your natural charm and
ability to persuade strangers to do what you want will come through,
until the sentencing. Expect 10 to life.

CANCER (June 22 to July 22): Don't buy any green bananas or take
out any magazine subscriptions.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22): Stop worrying what others think about you
and remember your namesake (Leo Gorcey of the Bowery Boys, not
Leo the lion.) Don't be afraid to try new ventures this year, such as
landing with your eyes open. Make up with someone who hates you,
and there are plenty of those.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): Virgos tend to be pure, unsullied, naive
and easily manipulated. They often buy Mitsubishi MU-2s,
ultralights, supersonic jet kits, instrument courses through the mail
and believe you can teach yourself aerobatics. They are not with us
long. Fortunately, they are never missed.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 23): If you are a Libra we have good news,
that hangar you wanted is owned by a Cancer and should be
available soon. Your personality traits are these: Type A, anal
retentive, geometrically precise, nitpickish perfectionists who drive
everyone else stark raving bonkers. You could care less about them
but Rutan's asymmetric airplane is giving you a stomach ache.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 to Nov. 21): You will have plenty of action this
weekend but luckily, you have a good hospital plan. Once you
recover, you will find that no instructor will fly with you, no one
will rent you a plane and the FAA has sent someone to pick up your
license. Stay away from propellers, jet exhausts, guns and women.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): Sales people love you because
you'll buy anything. You own a Yugo, a French airplane. a vinyl flight
jacket and an eight-track tape player, Travel is favored, preferably by
bus. Stay away from the zoo and people who want to offer you a deal.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): You are a winner. People love you.
Your mate loves you. Children and animals love you. You can do no
wrong. So why do you feel so lousy? Could it be because they're
secretly out to get you? Why yes, it is.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): If you were born under this sign you
have never gotten over the 60s. You don't understand Republicans,
Rush Limbaugh, conservatives or the fall of the Communist Empire.
You make lousy pilots because you want to rap with the controllers,
offer flowers to FAA inspectors and smoke funny cigarettes while
your CFI is demonstrating stallspin maneuvers. Get a haircut.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20): Your mother was scared by a fish taco.
You have a morbid fear of Death Valley; the Salton Sea is not your
friend. You never go to sea food restaurants and you thought Free
Willy was a documentary. You have a picture of Flipper on your
hangar wall. Fish spotting is your life.

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