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KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly
excited about
the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than
has ever
been known about the scientific relationship between
weightlessness and
mortal terror.
"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space
station with faulty
wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems,"
NASA head Daniel
Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions
for learning
about spaceborne panic."
The two Russians and one American on board the station are
reportedly
terrified beyond lucidity.
Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: A
June 25
collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr
module; last
week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable;
and the
periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a
shipboard fire. All
have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.
"They are in a constant state of what aerospace
scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives,"
Russian mission
director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used
the hull-mounted
Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."
"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of
the patterns created
when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space,"
Solovyov said. "The
urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not
expect."
Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale
told ABC News
reporters: "Where is Mommy?"
"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz
capsule," Russian cosmonaut
Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the
chaotic government
and widespread hunger of my homeland."
Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an
experiment at 3
a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights
will flood
the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake.
Detailed
scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open
weeping,
defecation and hair loss.
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