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> Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Steve Bluestone
> Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
> You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we
don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
> I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
> I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair under
my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
> I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
> I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you
want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
> The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By
the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
> I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like
some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you
like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno
> I dated this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder
> Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence
long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock
> The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
> You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of
Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
> I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
Dave Edison
> If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight.
George Gobel
> Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to
the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel
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